Fade to Black

Fade to Black

My black face fades,

reminiscing on days when the sun’s tirade took up our play. Rat race, we chase behind the dollar — the scholar — who tolerates longer days in hope of better pay, a raise, and a brighter tomorrow. In school I knew all the answers but my hand would dance around being raised. I still contemplate on the way in which I was raised. From the ground I rose, I suppose, no face-to-face role models to praise.

What happens when the love for the hero begins to fade?

Those songs we play from Graduation as we graduated and thank God we made it while the “others” hated and demonstrated how frustrated they were with the world. Boys and girls who ran the hallways with waves and curls, the excitement of making the basketball team after playing intramural.

Fade to black and roll the credits of the debt made, that we’ll likely never pay, I said it. My black face fades and vanishes with my credit. Chasing a high score distracting me of other stats that I keep down. Depression, suppression, anxiety and all of which I am blessed with, we guard our frowns. Eventually you grow up and can accept this — gift of understanding the message but it is deceptive, if you wish.

How are we victims to our vulnerability? That’s a vicious cycle that’s been recycled for generations and not new to me. Thinking about my mental health issues, which worsens and how everything appears new to me. The division of our people, I’m looking forward to some unity.

Struggling with depression ever since an adolescent. Problems ain’t absent but they’re damn sure present. Meditation: my lesson and my blessing. My talent fades from peaks of second guessing. My skies are grey from everything that this world is selling.

The vices we turn to in the midst of crisis. My life is- much better when I’m away from devices. The more we try to fight it, the forbidden fruit, we’ll try to bite it. No sense in tryna hide it, cause inside — it — builds alliances. That pill container holding no reliance. We love to fly high just to fall so low, we assume we’re gliding, but we just don’t know — the mileage. Flying transitions to crying and crashing onto a deserted island. Now I’m staring at my reflection in the water, asking who I am.

Should I continue with life? Is there any sense of trying?

Life is illmatic, no, nomadic — sporadically capturing thoughts adjacent to the basement, still searching for the perfect placement without being complacent. “I’m blessed and present,” if someone ask me how my day went. Blessed and God’s favorite. Now I pay rent and never stress about car payments.

My black face fades,

And as I age, I find it harder just to fill one page — caught up in the systematic rat race. They love to see a black man down, but I get up — everyday and they’ll never see my frown another day.

My black face fades..

Like friendships formed in the 8th grade. No rage from the rate of losing friends as we age — for death or voluntary departure — why do we bother? Shit, ask my father. Post trauma, sorta, runs my life in no order. I, outta, consider therapy before I ask a woman to marry me.

My black face fades…

Like role models from back in the day. In a daze on their throttle, we stare as they bike through their maze. As soon as they turn the other way, we’re left in dismay. But may I say that they’re too high up on a pedastool. They never should’ve stood before self and even worse, our own health. I’m guilty too.

My black face fades…

I say: I don’t need a father, nigga I have google! Web full of information, more power to you. It’s thoughts over circumstance, don’t let your thoughts rule you. Don’t let your thoughts fool you, please live your life carefully and frugal.

So I — fade to black but my presence is bright and we don’t look back, we walk by faith and not sight. My blackness dimming their light but that feeling ain’t right.

Mass shootings in schools, who’s abiding the rules? They can fade me today, and who’s to say, that they won’t fade you too?

We can’t lose what we choose to not put our energy into. Out of sight and out of mind. They put his death on a site and we’re not desensitized.

I stood in Target the other day and noticed the section for Gay Pride. Then someone replied “are they out of their mind?”

Are you so homophobic that you’re using your time — to fight against another person’s struggle as if they’re committing a crime? His and her skin as black as yours — as black as mine, for sure. And not to say you’re immature, but y’all fight the same struggles, but for them, you’re adding more. You say you hope your child never grows up gay nor poor…. What an impoverished mentality. It’s sad to see freedom being lost all across the board and we’re met with casualty.

But my face fades away for those locked inside of their room with nothing left to do but pray. Their parents stripped them of all freedom, now their own life they attempt to take.

My black face fades……..

For suicide rates and mental illness cases that you’re faced with on a daily basis. I want to tell you that it’s okay, no matter what your race is. The race is — hardly over but some of us get chauffeured to an early demise. Stop eating the devil’s pie and look inside for the blind. ‘Cause they gon’ take what you can’t see and roll the credits.

— fading your life to black.

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